I’ve been feeling all sorts of guilt over the past week.

This isn’t a new feeling for me – I seem to spend my life feeling guilty about what I haven’t done, what I’m not, what I’ve eaten, what I said etc – but I’ve felt it more so lately.

With the start of a new year comes an overwhelming amount of promise. You’re going to be a better person, work harder, look better, learn something new, and everything else. 2018 is going to be your year – the year you really sort everything out.

But then, a few days in, the hype dies down, and everything feels sort of… shit.

My grandmother went into hospital on New Year’s Eve.

After that, she lay unable to talk or move much, barely eating or drinking. She was taken back to the old people’s home, where I visited her last week.

I held her hand and we chatted to her and each other. It was hard. It was weird. It didn’t seem like her anymore. It was heartbreaking.

You saw me. I felt it.
I held your tissue paper hand and
told you I was sorry.
This firey soul now
a struggling ember.
The flicker in your eye
softly turns to smoke.

I decided to stay with my family, instead of going back to Bristol, to work. I felt so guilty about it, but I just couldn’t face day to day life stuff. Not while this was happening.

Yesterday, I had an answerphone message from my dad. It sounded pretty breezy, so I wasn’t really expecting the news that she had died.

I didn’t cry. I took a deep breath. The tears came later.

It was a strange mixture of sadness that she had gone, and relief that the really bad stage hadn’t been dragged out for too long, and she was no longer suffering.

At least now we could deal with these feelings and start to move on.

The guilty feelings I felt last week sort of subsided a little – they didn’t matter so much. It didn’t matter that I had to cancel a few days of work. It didn’t matter that I wouldn’t have much money for the next month. It didn’t matter that I had to cancel plans.

This was infinitely more important, and I’m so glad I came to say goodbye, and stayed for a few more days. Having my family around me, all going through the same thing, was needed.

If your year hasn’t started out the way you hoped it would for whatever reason, please don’t worry. It’s just another week, another day.

Don’t hold too much significance to it, just because it’s the start of the year.

Don’t feel like you have to make up for lost time – take it easy. Be a friend to yourself.

Try making a list of what would make things a little better, and work through them gradually.

Do things which make you happy – see a friend, pet a dog, eat something delicious. Small steps.

Go for a walk – I can’t tell you how much better I felt after walking by the sea, or through the woods.

Ask for help. This is usually the hardest thing, but if you need something from someone, ask. If someone offers you a helping hand, take it. Hard times are made easier by those around you.

If things feel really bad, please go and talk to your GP, or confide in someone close to you.

If that’s not possible, contacting the Samaritans is a great idea – you can call them, email or text.

Look after yourself ♥